Somethings happened when I couldn’t sleep

February 21, 2021

2:45 am - 3:30 am

After watching umpteen YouTube videos on street food, my eyes start tearing up due to the excessive strain. I literally force myself to put down my phone aside and sleep - something that normal people do at night. I close my eyes only to fail at the act of sleeping. I remember my college days when I would instantly fall asleep the moment I hit the bed. It was the time when I would have to force myself to stay awake and finish up the assignments. I miss that kind of sleep now. Working all day, running, watching television, talking non-stop, using electronic devices all day long are enough to tire my body but not to tire my mind. My mind cannot stop its constant chatter even after I close my eyes and signal my body that I wish to sleep now. I pick up my phone again and glance at the time. It’s 2.45 AM. I hear the faint clinking of the earphones as they are being kept on the bed-side table. The sound is coming from my parents’ bedroom. My dad often listens to spiritual talks before sleeping, so I know once he keeps the earphones aside, he’s going to sleep too. I look at my brother who’s fast asleep facing me. I often try to talk to him if I cannot sleep. So I shake him and lightly whisper into his ears, “Gaurav, mujhe neend nahi aa rahi." (Gaurav, I am not able to sleep) He then extends his hand to gently pat my back in order to put me off to sleep. It does not help me, I give him a kiss on the cheek and get up.

I look around me, there are too many thoughts running in my head, each thought trying to pull me in different directions. I don’t pay too much attention in the beginning and just look around me. I see my own undefined shadow being cast on the door of our room. The bright lights from the nameplate of the opposite building entering our room is helping create this shadow. I look at my open, messy hair while the train of thoughts has not come to a halt. I take my phone to capture a photo but soon realise that my phone sucks at night photography. I instead look outside the window, I also happen to notice the mirror where I can see what fellow humans from the building right opposite to ours are doing while I am wide awake. Although, everything is cloudy for my eyes as I have not worn spectacles. I capture a photo on my phone.

see how bright that light from the opposite building is!

I finally pay attention to my unstoppable thoughts flooding my mind.

WHAT’S YOUR PLAN?

SHOULD I BE STUDYING MORE?

BUT THERE ARE MANY FILM DIRECTORS WHO DIDN’T ATTEND FILM SCHOOL. JAMES CAMERON. QUENTIN TARANTINO. CHRISTOPHER NOLAN. AND MORE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

I think to myself, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. It’s too much to handle.” As soon as I pay attention to my thoughts, newer ones start popping in my head. Soon, I am thinking about writing a blog about this night. I pay attention to the physical surroundings. Now I am thinking about the colours of my room. How everything is black because the lights are shut yet, some parts are lit due to the moonlight and other artificial light entering the room. Still, I cannot see any colours. It’s a colourless or perhaps tonal world at night. Even though I cannot see colours, I can still imagine them, which is why I don’t pay much attention to the fact that it’s colourless at night.

After that I try to listen carefully to learn the sounds of the night. But I don’t hear anything much, probably because the fan is running at full speed. In between I do hear the cracking of my mother’s leg joints as she turns in bed. Everything is still. Nothing is moving, except my brother’s upper body as he breathes in and out, the curtains at the window of course, the fan. It’s quite breezy, I am far from the window yet the pleasantly cold current of air brushes my face. Oh yes, I forgot to count myself, I am the one who’s moving the most.

I lie down again after observing the externals and internals. I quickly grab my phone, open notes and hurriedly type down everything before I forget it.

Sleepless nights

What’s your plan

Hear my dad keeping the earphones - he also slept

I call him and say Gaurav I can’t fall asleep

I ask him to pat my back but I can’t sleep

Doesn’t work so I sit up

Look around

Think

Too many thoughts

Look at my shadow on the door

Stare outside the window

Film directors who didn’t study

Cold wind touch my skin

It’s pleasant cold

I like it

B/W and grey everything - I can only imagine the colours. But actually it’s B/W

It’s quite - drums have stopped

Only fan noise

And sometimes my mothers leg cracking sound (tickli)

Nothing is moving - except my brother breathing his hands moving fan and curtains

I wonder why I can’t sleep

Is it the thoughts

Is it me using the phone

I look at my brother and wonder about the days I could fall asleep this easily

In college too I would be exhausted

Here even after walking I am not so exhausted

Maybe I sleep a lot

I use my phone but always feel scared that someone will enter

I am deeply fascinated by my night study. I keep my phone aside and close my eyes, attempting to sleep once again.

February 22, 2021

2:00 am - 2:20 am

The second consecutive day when I cannot sleep. This time, my late night buddy, Skandha keeps me company until 2.00 am. After we wish each other a good night, I keep my phone aside. I am still not over my self-doubting thoughts. Suddenly, I hear my brother saying something in his sleep. I go closer to listen to him.

“Sabko karm ka fal Milta hai.” (Everyone gets the fruits of their labour), his eyes are still shut as he says this.

“Kisko?” (Who?), I follow.

“Jaise abhi mere classes mein teachers employees hain. Toh voh pura mahina padhaenge, fir unko paise milenge. Toh matlab unko apne karm ka fal milega na.” (In my classes, the teachers are the employees. After teaching us the entire month, they will get paid. That means they will get the fruits of their labour, right?), he explains.

I cannot believe that he’s talking all of this in his sleep. I am transfixed. I want to hear more of his wisdom, so I continue the conversation.

“Kya mein accha kar rahi hu? Tujhe kya lagta hai?” (Do you think I am doing well in life?), I ask him as I am still not back from my self-doubt trip.

He replies instantly and confidently, “Haan tu acha kar rahi hai.” (Yes you are doing good.)

After a one-minute pause, he continues, “Lekin tujhe acha bura nahi bolna chahiye. Manushya ko aise tag nahi dena chahiye kisiko. Humein sirf kaam karte rehna chahiye. Karm ka fal sabko milta hai.” (But you should not use the words good or bad. Humans should not give any tags to anyone. We should just keep working. Everyone gets the fruits of their labour.) He is still in his sleep.

“Are you proud of me?”, I ask the next query.

“Yes, I am proud of you.”, again, an instant reply. He continues with his eyes still shut, “Kyunki tu hamesha kaam karti rehti hai.” (Because you always keep working.)

Just when I think his wise sleep talks are over, he speaks yet again, this time giving a much longer speech.

“Tujhe paison ke baare mein nahi sochna chahiye.” (You should not think about money.) As soon as he utters these words, my eyes well up. It is something I do think about quite often and he knows it, hence the advice without me even asking for it.

He continues without pausing, “Tujhe khaali kaam karna chahiye. Paison ke baare mein khaali vyaapari ko sochna chahiye kyunki nahi toh uska profit kaise hoga. Toh usko hi paison ke baare mein sochna chahiye. Lekin baaki sab logon khaali kaam par dhyaan dena chahiye kyunki kaam ka toh paisa sabko milta hi hai. Agar hum khaali paisa, paisa, paisa sochenge toh hum udhar hi atak jaayenge. Phir humein aur kuch nahi dikhega.” (You should just keep working. Only businessmen should think about money because they need to earn profit. Everyone else should focus on their work and they will definitely get paid for their work. If we only think about money, we will get stuck.)

After his talk is over, he revises the points with me, “Toh tujhe samajh mein aaya? Maine do cheezein boli tujhe. Ek toh paison ke baare mein nahi sochna hai aur dusra, acha-bura nahi bolna hai. Usse logon ki insult hoti hai. Abhi tu kisiko ya khudko bura bolegi, toh matlab tu insult kar rahi hai na. Haan kabhi kabhi humse mistake ho jaati hai lekin humein usse bhi accept karna chahiye.” (So did you understand? I told you two things. Firstly, don’t think about money. Secondly, don’t say good or bad. It is insulting people. If you term someone or yourself as bad, isn’t that an insult? Of course, sometimes we all make mistakes but, we should just accept it all.)

I am in awe. He is 5 years younger than me, yet is so wise! His words instantly put me at ease and I am no longer worrying. He finally opens his eyes and says, “Mein kuch bol raha tha kya?” (Was I saying something?) I look into his pretty, innocent eyes and just say, “I’ll tell you tomorrow.” He hugs me and sleeps off again. I just wonder if it was him or someone else giving me answers through him. It will always remain a mystical tale.

Vaibhavi